My True Self

Whatever You're Doing

There is a song I love right now.  It's about the experience of getting another try at something you've failed at in the past.  This is just right where I am.

Boundaries vs. Scaffolding

The concept of relational boundaries is something I have wondered about a lot.  Everyone has them, and we really only notice them when a new one goes up, or an old one comes down.  Honestly, I have never been a fan of boundaries going up - it involves separation or at least admission that some issue/relationship is too difficult to work through. 

I was thinking today that instead of the concept of boundaries, with its fences that can get larger and larger until people are very far apart, I like the idea of scaffolding. 

Scaffolding on a building provides work space, and possibly even extra proteciton or support to work projects that are either too hard to get to, or that are vulnerable in some way.  Boundary fences keep animals or people separated from something.  Relationally, if I say that I need some new boundaries with someone, I am saying that I need separation in some, or all areas.  I wonder what it would mean for me to say I need scaffolding instead. 

I think it would suggest that the relationship is still a work in progress, but some extra support structures, or extra tools for doing specific work are needed.  This feels like a more hopeful metaphor for me.  Boundaries in a relationship are going to provide much needed space which may be required for other areas of your relationship or life to function.  I'm not against that.  It just feels like a dead end.  Like, "you are on your side of the fence, and I am on mine...we're not going to hurt each other, and thats the best you can hope for."  Scaffolding suggests growth and restoration of beauty - think of the scaffolding placed inside the Sistine Chapel so that artists could clean and restore the beautiful paintings.  The paintings were dirty, but they were not placed behind a fence where they wouldn't hurt anyone.  No.  They were restored.  The idea of scaffolding also allows room for others outside the relationship to be invited in to help with trouble areas. 

And, eventually scaffolding is meant to come down.  I have a friend I am talking about some boundary issues with, and as comfortable as we both are with the boundary we have, we both know that we can do better someday.  I like thinking of it as scaffolding instead...we're working toward a more beautiful building that will be restored, and the scaffolding taken down and put away when the time is right. 

Blogs I like : Maybe We Haven't Got it All Figured Out

Erin's blog Maybe We Haven't Got it All Figured Out is one you should check out, especially if you are a Mars Hill Grad School student.  She will be a first-year in the fall.  When you read her stuff, she's so self-aware that its easy to say, "Yep, I see why she got in." 

Ragamuffin Gospel

I picked up Brennan Manning's Ragamuffin Gospel again last night and read one of my favorite sections before bed.  When I first came across this book 10 or so years ago I had never read anything like this.  I must have reread this 100 times.  Last night I wasnt aware of being stressed at any deep level, and yet, this section still brought such an overwhelming rest to my heart.  On page 149, Manning says...

"Making our home in Jesus, as he makes his in us, leads to creative listening: "Has it crossed your mind that I am proud you accepted the gift of faith I offered you?  Proud that you freely chose Me, after I had chosen you, as your friend and Lord?  Proud that with all your warts and wrinkles you haven't given up? Proud that you believe in me enough to try again and again?

Are you aware how I appreciate you for wanting Me?  I want you to know how grateful I am when you pause to smile and comfort a child who has lost her way.  I am grateful for the house you devote to learning about Me; for the words of encouragement you passed on to your burnt-out pastor, for your visit to the shut-in, for your tears for the retarded.  What you did to them, you did to me.  Als, I am sad ehn you do not beleive that I have totally forgiven you or you feel uncomfortable approaching me."

A Sign of Your Goodness

I've been reading Psalm 86 a bunch this week. We did some translation from it in Hebrew, and I've found much in it to encourage me.  But there is one thing that really puzzles me.

The last verse says, "Give me a sign of your goodness."  I wonder what it would mean to pray that.  Somewhere along the way I've been taught that it is a faithless thing to do to ask for a sign - and asking for a sign of God's goodness seems doubly odd.  God's goodness is everywhere.  Even in my own life, when I am at the end of my rope and desperate for help, I experience so much of God's goodness.  I really wonder what it would mean to ask this....and I have 100 reasons to be skeptical. 

But, on the other hand, it seems like an honest thing to ask.  Saying, " I trust your goodness, but I am weak, please show me a sign to help me know" seems okay....but if its not an okay thing to ask in the first place, and a sign never comes (or at least one your recognize), then you're in a worse place than before.

These are the things I think about...and the tight little corners I get myself into.  When does "show me you love me" get old.  And yet, isnt it totally naturain any close relationship to want to know you are loved and your place of importance?  I don't know how to solve this, and maybe this is a rambling post :-) but for tonight, I am just praying, "Though I already have so much, Give me a sign of your goodness"

"But, Hebrew Students Are Really Good At That"

I think all parents have this trick in their bag.  Here's the scenario : Your child doesn't want to do ___(eat his vegetables, pick up his toys, whatever) so in order to coerce them, you say, "But all good _____ (train engineers/firemen/superheroes) are really good at it"

In our family, this worked for a while, but hasn't for years.  Our son is 7.5 now, and "but all good cowboys do this" just doesn't cut it anymore.  So, today, when I told my son that I couldn't look at new bikes with him on the Internet at that exact moment, he said, "But all Hebrew students are really good at doing that!" 

The kid seriously cracks me up.

That Girl With the Blog Has Finally Lost It

So, is this the modern world or what?

If you are a single person, looking for a date, you can go online to any number of reputable places, put in your information, and they will hook you up.  It doenst work for everyone, but I've witnessed the weddings and held the babies such match-making can produce. 

But there is no matching service for friends.  Am I the only one who thinks that an eHarmony of the friendship world would be helpful?  You know, you can put your info in, promise that you're just looking for friendship, and out pops a list of people you'd probably get a long with. 

I have a very good marriage, a small handful of friendships many people long for, and a growing/deepening set of friends from church and school I truly enjoy.  And yet, I still wish for more.  All the talk about community in church/books/school just tends to stir my desire, without giving me a practical solution.  I honestly dont know if starting friendships is just really really hard...or if I suck at it and need someone to create e-friendship-harmony. 

At this point you're either thinking that I've totally lost it, or that you know just how I feel. 

Carefulness

Normally when we think of relationships that are being "careful" we think of people walking on eggshells, afraid to say something to set the other off, living in a kind of no-man's-land where no progress is ever made.  But there is another kind of carefulness.

I really wish I was comfortable spilling more details, or at the very least that I could find the book with all the great quotes because there is something really cool happening.  I cant do that, but I'll give you the gist...

I found myself in a conversation (a couple conversations and a couple emails) today that felt "careful."  But it was not the kind of carefulness of walking on egg shells.  It was really a tender kind of carefulness.  The kind that can come when both differentiation and union are present - there was full understanding of the depth of the disconnect, and a full hope that no matter what happens on this subject, we still love and care for each other. I felt like I was able to differentiate myself, stand solid in my position, expressed what I was feeling, and yet, could still be affected by the other (and right now, every MHGS is either nodding their heads, or rolling their eyes at the use of all that loaded language!)  

Often in this kind of situation I would tend toward taking on all the responsibility on myself.  But this isn't good for anyone.  Today I was able to take responsibility for my own issues, but also to hope for more from our friendship and challenge my friend to more, just as I have been challenged.  I thought it was such a tender thing to be able to speak truth to each other in the midst of a potential conflict.  We have not always been able to pull this off, so today felt like a victory for the friendship, a victory for myself, and I dont want to put words in my friend's mouth, but I sensed peace and happiness there too.

Tiny Resurrections

Today in church we heard the story of Tabatha from the book of Acts.  She was a woman who ministered to widows and the poor with great effectiveness - so much so that when she died, the people begged Peter to come and raise her from the dead, which he did. 

I love that kind of story.  The people have a need, the Lord hears them, and BANG everything is better instantly.  I grew up on stories of missionaries seeing entire tribes convert in 1 day, or of alcoholics overcoming their addiction with a single prayer.  My imagination is filled with those kind of events, which isn't a problem in and of itself, but for me, all too often, it has created a typology of how God heals and has blinded me to the smaller ways that are more plentiful.  

Those smaller ways also seem to usually require more collaboration from me.  I want God to just come in and clean the whole thing up.   He wants me to mature and participate in my own redemption.

I have a conflict with a friend - we've had it for a long time, and even after today, we will probably have it for a long time still.  But a wonderful thing happened today - a bit of redemption, you might say.  The topic came up, and I saw it with totally different eyes.  I didn't see it as trying to hurt me, or pick a fight, or that it was being said to point out how inferior (inadequate, uninteresting, unloved...sadly, this is where my mind always goes) I am.  It was actually being said in a great deal of risk and vulnerability (and I actually dont know if my friend was aware of the vulnerability in the moment, but considering our history, I think it was there).  In the past I have been unintentionally hurt by statements like that, and in my woundedness, have hurt my friend in return.  I could write a LOT about how I got to that point where I could process it in a positive light, but I could also say it simply : this is resurrection, this is healing.  It's not Tabatha being raised from the literal dead, which is still the level of healing I would like much better, but it is 1 thing the Lord and I have collaborated on - I know the tears, prayers, journaling, therapy bills, and heartache that have led up to this, and yet, it is the Lord who heals.  I take joy in the fact that we have accomplished this together.  And even if it is one tiny thing, I will take it, and celebrate it. 

Ushpizin

Once a week in Hebrew class we watch a scene from the movie Ushpizin.  It's in modern Hebrew so few of the words are the same as biblical Hebrew, but its good to catch a word here or there, and to hear the language being spoken, even if it's not the same.  So far, its an interesting movie and we can usually egg our professor on to show 5 more min.  There is a scene in the movie that really touched me and I have thought a lot about since I saw it.

The main character is Moshe, a poor seminary student.  He and his wife want to celebrate the holiday Sukkot, but don't have enough money to construct the outdoor temporary dwelling that is needed for the holiday.  The bind that Moshe's dilemma puts him in somehow felt very familiar to me - God commands the celebration of this holiday, and the holiday requires the building of a shelter, but God does not provide the funds for Moshe to do the construction. 

When I am in a bind - when I feel like there is something I have to do, and no possible way I can do it - my tendency is to, well, to put it plainly, to fall apart.  Small binds mean I fall apart in small ways, bigger binds mean I fall apart in bigger ways.  But there is always a panic, a cringing, and a blaming of myself. 

But what Moshe and his wife do is pray.  And they pray with fervency.  I pray too when I'm in a bind, but the quality is different.  My prayers have the tinge of self-pity.  Moshe's prayers do not.  He is calling out, begging really, to be heard, but he does not assume something is wrong with him because he is in a bind. He prays for a miracle, for his own miracle, with great desire.  I don't mind praying with that kind of desire for others, but to pray that way for myself is something else.  Watching Moshe ask God for his desires made me see that in myself. 

Naming desire, tenderly held desire whose fulfillment would be a real miracle, is one of the most difficult things to do.  And praying for it in authenticity is not something I am good at.  I'm glad for Moshe's example. 

You can see part of his (and his wife's) praying here...although, this is only part of the scene and you wont get the whole effect unless you see the complete movie, but it will give you an idea